oh baby.

Posted by Tiana Chanell under Family, Life, Love and Relationships
Feb
04

Today, my baby sister brought another life in the world today.  She welcomed her second child, a healthy 6lb 12 oz baby boy, Jerry IV.  I’m so proud of my little sister on how much she accomplished in her 23 years of life.  I was at the hospital the whole time and I couldn’t help but have tears of joy there but at one point of my day, I was reminded of a past  I didn’t want to think about.

I don’t know why this popped in my head but I was standing outside the room with my mom while the nurse was doing a routine check on my sister when the thought of my ex, who recently became a father, popped in my head with the thought of him being at this same hospital when his significant other was giving birth and the joy he felt because he always talked about wanting to be a father.   I kept thinking about how I could have been the one instead of the other girl but I’m glad it didn’t.

Soon that thought came out of my head once the baby was born.  I was letting all of my friends know when I decided to let someone know who I have been trying to keep my distance from.  The subject of some of my earlier posts.  I had actually removed his number from my phone last week so I can try to continue with my life and not be subject to text him but he had sent me a text this morning and I knew it was him so I told him the news about my nephew.  I quickly erased the text that was sent to him so I wouldn’t be tempted to save the number in my phone again and deleted and didn’t reply to his msg that he sent back.  So I figured that would be the end of that when a few hours later, I received a text saying “So when are you going to have one?”.  So we ended up talking about that but it brought up deeper issues regarding a baby that I have been trying to suppressed.

There’s been issues in the past that I have dealt with regarding a baby and my ex and it is so deep that no one really know about it.  When I get reminded and/or think about it, it really puts me in a sad mood.  If you ask me when I’m going to have a baby – I will tell you that I don’t want one especially at this time of my life.  However, I think a part of me deep down want to experience motherhood.  But with the past and the present now – with all the issues I have dealt with, I don’t know if I want that in my future.

But anyways, if it never makes it to my future, I have a wonderful niece and nephew to fill that void.

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hip hop has saved my life.

Posted by Tiana Chanell under Life, Love and Relationships
Jan
31

Yesterday, I was feeling depressed about certain aspects of my life.  I didn’t want anything to do with anybody.  I had turned my phone off and I was just sulking all day.  Then later on in the day, I turned on the new song by Lupe Fiasco – I’m Beaming.  I kept it on repeat because the song was gradually making me feel better about myself.

“They said my future was dark…You see me now? Just look around…I’m beaming. They used to talk when I wasn’t around…You see me now? I’m beaming. “

Once I started feeling a little better after doing some crying and sleeping, I checked my phone and saw that I had a message from a friend who wanted me to go out to this restaurant with her.  I figured why not…and I’m glad I did.  It really helped me take my mind off things.

However, I was back to the point where I was feeling down again this morning.  I tried to keep myself busy with work and doing other things but of course my mind kept going back to the thoughts that were making me feel sad.  Then later on in the afternoon, someone sent me a message on facebook.  Knowing that I’m a big fan of Lupe Fiasco, he told me that there was a new mixtape with 50 plus songs and gave me the website to download it from.  Once I downloaded the album and put it on my iPod, I got on my treadmill for an hour long workout listening to Lupe.  I have noticed from past experiences and really realized today that listening to him makes me feel better.  I continued listening to him while I was doing some more work on my computer.   Lupe Fiasco is a talented rapper who does not get the credit he deserves.  What I love about him is that he doesn’t rap about the typical stuff you hear on the radio.  He raps about life, he tells a story with his music, and he speaks the truth.  As one of the title of his songs says, hip hop has saved my life – his music made me feel better about myself and not worry about the things I was worried about.

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giving up.

Posted by Tiana Chanell under Bullshit, Friendship, Life, Love and Relationships
Jan
28

one of the hardest parts of life is deciding when to give up and when to try harder…

i have given up…for good.

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