Today, my baby sister brought another life in the world today.  She welcomed her second child, a healthy 6lb 12 oz baby boy, Jerry IV.  I’m so proud of my little sister on how much she accomplished in her 23 years of life.  I was at the hospital the whole time and I couldn’t help but have tears of joy there but at one point of my day, I was reminded of a past  I didn’t want to think about.

I don’t know why this popped in my head but I was standing outside the room with my mom while the nurse was doing a routine check on my sister when the thought of my ex, who recently became a father, popped in my head with the thought of him being at this same hospital when his significant other was giving birth and the joy he felt because he always talked about wanting to be a father.   I kept thinking about how I could have been the one instead of the other girl but I’m glad it didn’t.

Soon that thought came out of my head once the baby was born.  I was letting all of my friends know when I decided to let someone know who I have been trying to keep my distance from.  The subject of some of my earlier posts.  I had actually removed his number from my phone last week so I can try to continue with my life and not be subject to text him but he had sent me a text this morning and I knew it was him so I told him the news about my nephew.  I quickly erased the text that was sent to him so I wouldn’t be tempted to save the number in my phone again and deleted and didn’t reply to his msg that he sent back.  So I figured that would be the end of that when a few hours later, I received a text saying “So when are you going to have one?”.  So we ended up talking about that but it brought up deeper issues regarding a baby that I have been trying to suppressed.

There’s been issues in the past that I have dealt with regarding a baby and my ex and it is so deep that no one really know about it.  When I get reminded and/or think about it, it really puts me in a sad mood.  If you ask me when I’m going to have a baby – I will tell you that I don’t want one especially at this time of my life.  However, I think a part of me deep down want to experience motherhood.  But with the past and the present now – with all the issues I have dealt with, I don’t know if I want that in my future.

But anyways, if it never makes it to my future, I have a wonderful niece and nephew to fill that void.