Archive for the ‘Love and Relationships’ Category

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can’t be alone forever.

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

Those were the last words he said to me.

I was at the liquor store, sad I know lol.  It was the liquor store by my house so I go there whenever I buy liquor.  There is this guy, dorky white guy, who is always speaking to me.  I never really paid him any mind, but today, I realized he was flirting with me.

“Do you need any help looking for anything?”

“I’m just looking for this drink my friend told me about, it is pink and I think it is called Nuvo.”

It was behind the counter.  Then he started asking if I was buying it for him and when he checked my I.D., was like “You are barely past legal.”

“I don’t feel that way.  I feel way past the legal age.”

“Well what does your man think about it?”  he asked me.

“I don’t have one.  I don’t have time for one right now.”

Then he went on to say how he knows I have needs and that I can’t be alone forever.

Well can I?

I am at the point in my life where I don’t want anything right now.  Well let me rephrase this…I don’t want anything serious right now.  I am tired of trying to meet guys and having to start all over and get to know them and them getting to know me.  That is very tiring.  I’m also at the point where I don’t want to have to think about his needs/wants in the relationship before making any type of decision.  I want to be selfish and think about what I want for the time being.  I have always put what I want and my needs aside or have to compromise for a relationship to try to work.  I want to enjoy life and have no regrets.  I have goals I want to fulfill and I have found from my past experiences, a serious relationship made it hard to fulfill them.  I want to be free-spirited to do whatever the hell I want and not worry about him, whoever he may be.  I want to concentrate on me.

I was talking about this to one of my very good friends about this and with us both being Sex and the City fans, we have came to the decision that I have the mindset like Samantha, for the time being.  No, I’m not going around fucking every guy I come across, but she knows what she wants and she go gets it.  She doesn’t depend on a man for her happiness.  She finds relationships tedious and hard work which is how I feel right now about them.

I have tried the meeting of new guys and giving them a chance and I find myself not really wanting to.   It is too much work and it is something I don’t need right now.  I don’t mind having my fun with them but anything serious, you can scratch that.

So can I be alone forever?  How would you define being alone?  Not having a serious relationship but still enjoying your life with the man/men who are involved in your life?  I think I can…for the time being.

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forgiveness.

Saturday, March 13th, 2010

Its been about a week and a half since the incident I had to deal with.  I was surprised how I have been dealing with it.  It took one day to be over it.  I deleted him from my friends list on myspace and deleted his number from my phone.  So doing that made me feel better.  Honestly, this new balance I have found in my life is helping me remember my goals and what makes me happy so that is making him the last thing on my mind.

However, yesterday on my long trip back home from work, I did think about him.  I wasn’t thinking what we had these past months – I was thinking about the friendship we had before all of this.  He was a good friend.  We would talk occasionally about what was going on in our life – he would give me advice and make me feel better about things I was going through.  I realized how much I missed that.  I was considering having a talk with him – a civilized conversation about what happened and just forgetting all that happened since July last year (how we were between friends and lovers) and just go back to the way things were – talk every now again like we did.

What made me think about it was this e-mail I saw a few days ago.  I was looking for something in my old e-mails and I found this e-mail I sent to my ex.  We had stopped talking because of something that blew up between me, him, and his ex-fiance.   Basically I e-mailed him letting him know that I am not going to have a grudge with him and hopefully we can try to be cool with one another.  Well we are at that point.  We don’t really talk like we used to but things are good.  We have a friendly relationship with one another.

However it took a few months for us to get to that point.  I started thinking it would be too soon for any type of forgiveness.  I hate having any type of grudge but also I hate showing any sign of weakness.  I feel like anything too soon is showing weakness.  So I’m going to continue to live my life and wait for the perfect opportunity to talk to him.   Then I started thinking about how I may be fine now, but I don’t want to hear any mention of “her” either.  I know my friends may not agree but one thing I learned during a sermon a few years ago, “God wants you to forgive people who have hurt you but that does not mean forget.”  So I will eventually forgive him – I think I forgive him now but I won’t let him know for a while.

//Edit:  I came across this quote after writing this last night – “If you want to move forward: forgive yourself, forgive them, accept that it happened, and learn from it & move on.”  Like I said earlier, I will let him know eventually that I forgive him but not right now.\\

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oh baby.

Thursday, February 4th, 2010

Today, my baby sister brought another life in the world today.  She welcomed her second child, a healthy 6lb 12 oz baby boy, Jerry IV.  I’m so proud of my little sister on how much she accomplished in her 23 years of life.  I was at the hospital the whole time and I couldn’t help but have tears of joy there but at one point of my day, I was reminded of a past  I didn’t want to think about.

I don’t know why this popped in my head but I was standing outside the room with my mom while the nurse was doing a routine check on my sister when the thought of my ex, who recently became a father, popped in my head with the thought of him being at this same hospital when his significant other was giving birth and the joy he felt because he always talked about wanting to be a father.   I kept thinking about how I could have been the one instead of the other girl but I’m glad it didn’t.

Soon that thought came out of my head once the baby was born.  I was letting all of my friends know when I decided to let someone know who I have been trying to keep my distance from.  The subject of some of my earlier posts.  I had actually removed his number from my phone last week so I can try to continue with my life and not be subject to text him but he had sent me a text this morning and I knew it was him so I told him the news about my nephew.  I quickly erased the text that was sent to him so I wouldn’t be tempted to save the number in my phone again and deleted and didn’t reply to his msg that he sent back.  So I figured that would be the end of that when a few hours later, I received a text saying “So when are you going to have one?”.  So we ended up talking about that but it brought up deeper issues regarding a baby that I have been trying to suppressed.

There’s been issues in the past that I have dealt with regarding a baby and my ex and it is so deep that no one really know about it.  When I get reminded and/or think about it, it really puts me in a sad mood.  If you ask me when I’m going to have a baby – I will tell you that I don’t want one especially at this time of my life.  However, I think a part of me deep down want to experience motherhood.  But with the past and the present now – with all the issues I have dealt with, I don’t know if I want that in my future.

But anyways, if it never makes it to my future, I have a wonderful niece and nephew to fill that void.

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hip hop has saved my life.

Sunday, January 31st, 2010

Yesterday, I was feeling depressed about certain aspects of my life.  I didn’t want anything to do with anybody.  I had turned my phone off and I was just sulking all day.  Then later on in the day, I turned on the new song by Lupe Fiasco – I’m Beaming.  I kept it on repeat because the song was gradually making me feel better about myself.

“They said my future was dark…You see me now? Just look around…I’m beaming. They used to talk when I wasn’t around…You see me now? I’m beaming. “

Once I started feeling a little better after doing some crying and sleeping, I checked my phone and saw that I had a message from a friend who wanted me to go out to this restaurant with her.  I figured why not…and I’m glad I did.  It really helped me take my mind off things.

However, I was back to the point where I was feeling down again this morning.  I tried to keep myself busy with work and doing other things but of course my mind kept going back to the thoughts that were making me feel sad.  Then later on in the afternoon, someone sent me a message on facebook.  Knowing that I’m a big fan of Lupe Fiasco, he told me that there was a new mixtape with 50 plus songs and gave me the website to download it from.  Once I downloaded the album and put it on my iPod, I got on my treadmill for an hour long workout listening to Lupe.  I have noticed from past experiences and really realized today that listening to him makes me feel better.  I continued listening to him while I was doing some more work on my computer.   Lupe Fiasco is a talented rapper who does not get the credit he deserves.  What I love about him is that he doesn’t rap about the typical stuff you hear on the radio.  He raps about life, he tells a story with his music, and he speaks the truth.  As one of the title of his songs says, hip hop has saved my life – his music made me feel better about myself and not worry about the things I was worried about.

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giving up.

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

one of the hardest parts of life is deciding when to give up and when to try harder…

i have given up…for good.

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there is no sex in the champagne room.

Sunday, January 3rd, 2010

I told myself that I wasn’t going to make any New Years Resolution this year because I can never keep them. Well one year, I actually kept it [2007 - try something new every month] and I definitely did not follow last year’s resolutions. But I started thinking about my life now and how I do not want to make the same mistakes from 2009, 2008, 2007…you get my drift.

Two weeks ago, I was hanging out with two of my friends (and this was the first time they both met each other) and they both said I was too nice. Then last Tuesday, I was talking to a totally different person who lives on the other side of the United States and he said the same thing. I sometimes think that me being entirely too nice is my downfall in life. I put off what I want to do to do something else because someone doesn’t want to do what I want to do. I’m always going beyond what I should be doing to help someone out and I hardly say no. So one part of my resolution for this year is to be more bitchy. Make sure I take care of my own needs and do what I want to do. Speak how I really feel and not hold it in. Not be as nice as people think I am. I feel like niceness doesn’t get you anywhere. People take advantage of it and run.

Also, another resolution I’m thinking about doing is remain celibate. It may be too much information but I haven’t had any for almost two years. It is not that I couldn’t get it, I just chose not to with that person. Sometimes, I talk about just doing it just to be doing it but I know my worth. I want to make sure I wait until I am in a meaningful relationship with someone before doing the deed. So until that man comes along, there is no sex in the champagne room….but keep the glasses of champagne coming lol.

As for any others…you know the typical shit that people make as their new years resolution. Slim in the waist, fat in the butt lol.

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