I was sitting around thinking about all the things that happened in the past few months. Then I started thinking about a conversation I had with my mom last week about a situation that happened last week. She told me that I do not need to tell a guy, a significant other or someone you are talking to, everything. She said she seen it happened with many people where a woman really likes/loves a guy and felt like they shouldn’t keep any secrets so they share everything with him but in the long run, the woman learns in some type of situation where it is best to keep some things to herself. Then I started thinking about the last couple of situations I was in. After something is over and done with, I sometimes think about were there clues or something a person said to make you question the truth. After thinking about a certain situation with someone, I started thinking about how I wasn’t completely honest myself. I would tell him that I don’t have anything to hide because we weren’t “together” and he would say the same thing to me – but I question if he was really telling the truth because I know I wasn’t. It wasn’t that I would straight up lie in his face but I would just keep things to myself or just turn it around. I knew deep down my heart he wasn’t completely innocent so I did my own thing. Then I started thinking, “Did I have a right to get mad about something when I wasn’t completely honest myself?” I also look at people I know who may appear completely innocent/perfect but in reality they are not. I learned from observing other people especially my friends and situations I have been in and learned what to expect – leave certain things unsaid and continue to do my own thing. All of this makes me question – is honesty the best policy or is it better to leave some things unsaid?
Archive for December, 2009
is honesty the best policy?
Monday, December 28th, 2009
old maid.
Friday, December 25th, 2009The holidays are the perfect time to spend time with family and other family members that you do not get to see on a regular basis. It is also the perfect time to be reminded about what you are doing wrong in your life.
After having my brief moment where I was feeling down about my life, I was back to feeling good…feeling confident about what my life has in store for me. Until today. Christmas Day. The one day that you are supposed to feel joy but instead I feel the opposite.
I went down to my grandpa’s house today with my family to spend Christmas with him and some other family members as well. This was a moment I was looking forward to with all of us getting together. We were all laughing and talking about different things when the topic of kids came up. Since my youngest sister is married and pregnant with her second child, I keep getting the questions about when I’m going to get married and have kids. I always try to avoid how I really feel about this situation by saying I don’t want any kids but of course that brings up more questions for me. I kept getting bombarded with questions and comments saying “You need to hurry up and have kids.” or “You need someone in your life to love you – not necessarily a husband but kids” etc. I swear it went on and on all the way back home which was an hour and a half trip. They were all asking me if I like cats because they said if I keep this up, I will be sitting in a house alone with cats (which I hate animals).
However, this talk and constant reminder of where I am in life just put a damper in my day. It made me constantly think about my future and how I am really alone. It also brought back a past that I was trying to suppress of failed whatever you want to call it with guys and how I’m almost 30 years old with no one to call my own. I was just getting over feeling this way but spending time with family on the holidays, I’m always reminded of what I don’t have compared to what I have done with my life so far. That was the last thing I needed to hear when I was finally getting over something and starting to feel good about my life and myself.
bah hum bug. 
christmas gift suggestions.
Thursday, December 24th, 2009“Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect.” – Oren Arnold
Wish all a blessed and wonderful Christmas!
superstar.
Sunday, December 6th, 2009“If you are what you say you are
A superstar
Then have no fear
The camera’s here
and the microphones and they wanna know”
I was listening to that song on my way to Atlanta yesterday. I started thinking to myself, I need to think of myself as a superstar. I’m reading this book “Why Men Love Bitches” right now and I just finished the first chapter. The author does not really mean “bitch” in a nasty mean way. It is all about how we carry ourselves and how we concentrate on one person – our self. I have been slacking in that department. I had forgot about myself in these past few months and haven’t been feeling confident about myself. I’m always judging or putting myself down or comparing myself to another woman. After doing some thinking and spending time to myself this past week, I have finally come to the conclusion who I’m in love with…me! I love myself. I’m beautiful, inside and out. I don’t give a fuck what others think about me. A guy may think I’m “too fat” for him, but you know what? I may think he is “too dumb” for me lol. I don’t care if someone find something wrong with me because in turn, I may find something wrong with them. I’m going to stop comparing myself to other people and when someone gives me a compliment, I’m going to say “Thank You” and not trying to convince them otherwise. I’m also not going to bend over backwards for anyone. I learned the hard way, the more you do it – the more people are going to try to get more out of you and take advantage of you. I am a 26 year old woman who have done pretty well for myself I must say and I am fabulous. I’m a superstar.
delete.
Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009Yesterday, I lost everything on my laptop and ended up having to get another one. I was really upset about losing everything but I started thinking that it was probably best to have lost my past because I was trying to hold on to something that was no longer there. I keep thinking that there will be hope between us, but I have finally gave up. There is no need to hold on to something for someone who doesn’t want to with you. I am pressing delete on him.
It is funny that I tried really hard and put my all toward the end of whatever it was that we had because I was scared. Scared my female intuition was right. I remember asking “What can I do to keep your attention?” and I really was trying but there is only so much one person can do for someone who is not interested. As each day goes by and not hearing something from him and knowing things are not what it is going to be, it is literally making me sick. I found myself worrying over just everything possible causing this sick feeling in my stomach. I woke up this morning thinking about him and everything once again and that sick feeling took over me. I also got upset thinking about a situation regarding him that I honestly feel like punching a wall to get my frustration out but I didn’t. I soon realize he is like the virus taking over my computer, which is me. I just need to press delete and remove him from my life.
Temporarily.
I don’t want to lose a friend though. Overall, one of the best guy friends I ever had. Lust, however, took over during the wrong time of our lives. I come to the conclusion that I can never let my feelings get like this for someone for a long time even if he continues to reassure me he is not like the other guys. I fell for that line once again and I will never open my heart so soon for any more pain. Even if it comes to him again and that little hope I was holding on. Never again.
I guess I need to hit delete on him for the time being.
