There is a saying – take your past and learn from your mistakes that you made. That is what I did with love. I told myself to avoid any history repeats, I will never let my guard down, however, I did once again.
In the last few years that passed, I have finally come to terms with a relationship that did not work out. He was my everything despite all of the “downs” in our relationship. I really gave my all emotionally regardless of what I was given in return. When the “relationship” was cooling down and was about to end (at this time, we didn’t have the labels of boyfriend and girlfriend so we weren’t officially together), he had met someone and who he wanted to be with was between me and her. Well it is obvious how it ended. I was told one day during this time that I was his best he ever had and no one could compare up until this point but he wanted to see what other “options” he had before he settled down. Well I guess I wasn’t the best he ever had any longer because he is still with her and that was two years ago.
Some may say why am I dwindling on the past? That I just need to move on and concentrate on my present and my future. That is what I have been doing. I was focusing on myself more and trying to figure out this thing called life. I told myself I would not put myself in a situation like that again and when it comes to someone, I will never let my guard down for a long time.
But I did.
A friendship grew stronger between me and one of my male friends. Never thought it would and never would have I thought I would let my guard down, be there for him so emotionally, and falling for him. As he was dealing with some things, I wanted to play the role as friend, that’s it. I didn’t want to put myself in a complicated situation where I knew I would get hurt in the end, but I did. I only talked about my situation to a few of my close friends. They all said about the same thing – “Be careful. I don’t want to see you get hurt.” I knew what I was doing and I knew what the situation for what it is so I assured them I wasn’t. I always thought negatively about what developed between us because 1 – it was a way to protect my feelings, keeping my guard up; 2 – it was a complicated situation; and 3 – I just had a feeling things were going to change on his end. That was one of my biggest fears. My feelings were starting to change for him in a way that I didn’t think it would but I still kept my guard up because of the fear of things changing. He knew my fears and reassured me things will not change so I finally let my guard down.
But it did change.
Soon history started to repeat itself and I hear the words of my ex echo in my ear but in a different way with the same type of girl. The only difference is that we were not physically connected. Strange I know. I feel like I had given myself so emotionally to him in a way if we were physically together and connected. This was on a different level than ever before and I ask myself why did I put myself in this situation? I don’t do just any and everything for ANY guy. I only do certain things for a special guy and there were things I did I never ever did and that was a part of me that is lost now. I just wanted to have a little fun -I wasn’t expecting anything serious and didn’t want anything seriously to happen between us. I did not want to love him like that, especially with the whole situation. We had our times in the past where we did some innocent flirting but that was it, nothing developed and he stayed a wonderful friend. That is what I expected this time around but it became more than that for me – I can’t speak on his behalf. I guess getting to know him better – I saw things in him I never saw in him before – that I loved. Not only did I see him as a wonderful friend but a wonderful man too – and I still do regardless what is going on now.
As soon as I let my guard down and things started changing, I became so emotional. I tried to fight the feelings I was having but I couldn’t. Since everything was bothering me, I decided to let him know how I felt. I probably shouldn’t but I’m glad I did. It let me know how much effort now I should put into this and how he feels. It may not be what I wanted to know or hear but I can honestly say I feel better than I did before I let him know. Once again, things were not going to change regardless of what was said but it did. It changed drastically and it will continue to change.
It is funny that when I do hear from him now – I sometimes don’t want to because it hurts. It hurts to know that it is not the same anymore from when I heard from him in the past and scared to know what’s been really going on with his life especially if it involves someone else. However, it hurts when I don’t hear from him. If I do hear from him, I try to end the conversation or keep it short because I know it will hurt if I don’t hear back from him if I expect to even though I really don’t want to stop talking to him. I find myself now not able to listen to certain songs because the songs remind me of him and it hurts to think about it. The same goes to looking at any picture of him. As much as I don’t want to cut certain aspects regarding him from my life because I truly miss him and still care for him, I have to do what is best for me.
I wish things can be different. I wish we didn’t have this distance between us because I probably wouldn’t be going through this. I also wish that things would go back to the way it was before we started talking and gotten closer because once again, I wouldn’t be going through this. However, people come in our lives for a reason – to teach us something in life. I’m still trying to figure out what his reason is to be in my life. If you knew everything that happened in the past between me and him –how we met, how we got back in touch, etc, it sometimes make me wonder if we may be right for each other in the long run after everything is said and done or he could be the one to help me realize what/who I really need. But I have to be patient and wait and see….what the future holds. Maybe it was for the best to let my guard down…
testing