So once again, I found myself in a situation that I thought I was getting out of. The subject of many recent blogs. I was moving on with my life, finally finding balance in my life and was content with the way things were and then he had to pop back up. Talking the same shit he was talking right before he disappeared. Going back to the previous post “If your girl only knew”…those were the things that was happening…plus more. A female’s intuition is always right. I had a gut feeling but it wasn’t confirmed. I said to myself before some things happened, “Well if he really does have a girl, he wouldn’t do this” but of course the opposite happened. Then some of the stuff he was saying – made me question a lot of things about us. I didn’t know what to think, I was confused but I tried not to think too much of it when it was hard not too. Then he decided to drop the bomb, “I have a girlfriend.”
Tired of the bullshit.
First, they start off by saying how they felt in the past toward me which I either didn’t have a clue or didn’t think too much of it. Then we will start talking and usually there is something going on in their life, that I’m trying to be a good friend and be there for them emotionally – where sometimes it drains me. Then they tell me “I don’t want to be in a relationship” and next thing you know they are in a relationship. Soon they are trying to feel my head with excuses and other unnecessary stuff to justify everything. The last couple of guys always ended up with a girl who had a certain type of look. Same shit but different day. Tired of the bullshit.
Some of these guys, I had a lot of respect for them. Some, I went out of my way for. I have been more than good to them and I get this type of treatment. As Christina Aguilera sings in her song “Walk Away”, she says “What did I do to deserve this?” I’m always trying to find an answer to that question. I will probably never know the answer to it.
It’s amazing how when the next guy come along, they say something like “I can’t believe he [the last guy] treated you this way. I’m better than that.” etc…etc…however they treat you the same exact way as the previous guy. They got you believing they are a good guy but they really are not. Even if they tell you they are going to change, change only lasts temporarily.
But I’m learning now that if they can’t be honest and respectful of our friendship, how can I have any type of relationship with that person – friendly or romantic? I feel like I have been stabbed in the back and in the heart. I thought maybe I can handle just being friendly towards them but I find that hard even after time. It’s like that with my ex. I try to forgive and forget but they always remind you the first time, the second time, the third time, they fucked you over. So I’m gradually taking steps to removing these guys from my life by deleting them in certain areas of my life. I sometimes like to compare my life and I feel like I relate to a lot of things on the show Sex and the City. I’ve been watching the DVD set lately and as Carrie from Sex and the City once stated exactly how I feel now:
We’re so over….we need a new word for over…
Yesterday, I was angry – however that frustration was used in a positive way. I got to see my niece and nephew who I haven’t seen in a month and they made me happy – appreciate what I have. Also, that frustration gave me energy to go running for a little bit and refocus myself on my goals. Today, I was a lot better. Every now and again, I would get disgusted about what has happened but I remind myself I don’t need any of that bullshit. As I’m typing this, tears are falling down but I know I will be okay. Just thinking about some things is hurting me but this blog is a therapeutic outlet of explaining how I feel – I just need to get it out of me. I know some days will be really good and some may be bad but I’m still happy how my life is going. He or any other guy will not take my happiness away from me. I keep reminding myself how lucky I am, that I am not that girlfriend. I can only imagine how I would look like a fool for not knowing what he was doing and if I did know, the pain I would feel. I’ve been in that situation before.
Maybe one day I will tolerate those people in my life because I try not to hold grudges because it is negative energy that I don’t need. However, I need my time and space. I thought I was recovering from the first time of this situation but I see I wasn’t fully recovered. For the time being, I don’t need to deal with any of his bullshit or anyone else’s.
I’m tired of it.
