tired of the bullshit.

Tiana Chanell — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 04:19:05 +0000

So once again, I found myself in a situation that I thought I was getting out of. The subject of many recent blogs. I was moving on with my life, finally finding balance in my life and was content with the way things were and then he had to pop back up. Talking the same shit he was talking right before he disappeared. Going back to the previous post “If your girl only knew”…those were the things that was happening…plus more. A female’s intuition is always right. I had a gut feeling but it wasn’t confirmed. I said to myself before some things happened, “Well if he really does have a girl, he wouldn’t do this” but of course the opposite happened. Then some of the stuff he was saying – made me question a lot of things about us. I didn’t know what to think, I was confused but I tried not to think too much of it when it was hard not too. Then he decided to drop the bomb, “I have a girlfriend.”

Tired of the bullshit.

First, they start off by saying how they felt in the past toward me which I either didn’t have a clue or didn’t think too much of it. Then we will start talking and usually there is something going on in their life, that I’m trying to be a good friend and be there for them emotionally – where sometimes it drains me. Then they tell me “I don’t want to be in a relationship” and next thing you know they are in a relationship. Soon they are trying to feel my head with excuses and other unnecessary stuff to justify everything. The last couple of guys always ended up with a girl who had a certain type of look. Same shit but different day. Tired of the bullshit.

Some of these guys, I had a lot of respect for them. Some, I went out of my way for. I have been more than good to them and I get this type of treatment. As Christina Aguilera sings in her song “Walk Away”, she says “What did I do to deserve this?” I’m always trying to find an answer to that question. I will probably never know the answer to it.

It’s amazing how when the next guy come along, they say something like “I can’t believe he [the last guy] treated you this way. I’m better than that.” etc…etc…however they treat you the same exact way as the previous guy. They got you believing they are a good guy but they really are not. Even if they tell you they are going to change, change only lasts temporarily.

But I’m learning now that if they can’t be honest and respectful of our friendship, how can I have any type of relationship with that person – friendly or romantic? I feel like I have been stabbed in the back and in the heart. I thought maybe I can handle just being friendly towards them but I find that hard even after time. It’s like that with my ex. I try to forgive and forget but they always remind you the first time, the second time, the third time, they fucked you over. So I’m gradually taking steps to removing these guys from my life by deleting them in certain areas of my life. I sometimes like to compare my life and I feel like I relate to a lot of things on the show Sex and the City. I’ve been watching the DVD set lately and as Carrie from Sex and the City once stated exactly how I feel now:

We’re so over….we need a new word for over…

Yesterday, I was angry – however that frustration was used in a positive way. I got to see my niece and nephew who I haven’t seen in a month and they made me happy – appreciate what I have. Also, that frustration gave me energy to go running for a little bit and refocus myself on my goals. Today, I was a lot better. Every now and again, I would get disgusted about what has happened but I remind myself I don’t need any of that bullshit. As I’m typing this, tears are falling down but I know I will be okay. Just thinking about some things is hurting me but this blog is a therapeutic outlet of explaining how I feel – I just need to get it out of me. I know some days will be really good and some may be bad but I’m still happy how my life is going. He or any other guy will not take my happiness away from me. I keep reminding myself how lucky I am, that I am not that girlfriend. I can only imagine how I would look like a fool for not knowing what he was doing and if I did know, the pain I would feel. I’ve been in that situation before.

Maybe one day I will tolerate those people in my life because I try not to hold grudges because it is negative energy that I don’t need. However, I need my time and space. I thought I was recovering from the first time of this situation but I see I wasn’t fully recovered. For the time being, I don’t need to deal with any of his bullshit or anyone else’s.

I’m tired of it.

lets get away.

Tiana Chanell — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 04:53:31 +0000

I have been doing a lot of thinking this weekend, especially today. With today being Valentines Day or to me – Single Awareness Day, it brought up a past. The other day, I had a dream about my ex-boyfriend. I don’t know why because he haven’t been on my mind at all. Then last night, while I was on facebook, I get this notification that he sent me a “heart”. I knew what it was for. He is the type of person who doesn’t do any of those applications on facebook but he sent me a heart as a way of wishing me a Happy Valentines Day. He did something like that on my birthday. We do not keep in touch so these little things is letting me know he thinks about me which I think it is very thoughtful. Even though I know we don’t have a future together but just him doing this stuff just makes me think that our six year on and off relationship wasn’t anything…it had some type of impact to him.

With that being said, he is the last person I thought I would hear from. The people I expected to hear from….of course I didn’t. The ones I least expect to, I heard from. I honestly can care less about this day…I never cared for this day since middle school. Even when I had a boyfriend, it wasn’t a big deal. But with that being said, it makes me wonder about the people who are in my life. My friends are wonderful – I’m talking about the guy or guys who were potential dating material. If my own ex can acknowledge this day towards me and we are not on a talking basis, then I would expect the ones who I’m on a talking basis with to acknowledge it.

Today, I was out in my car and listening to one of the playlist on my iPod that I have and most of the songs that were playing reminded me of the times with my ex. I always thought we had these terrible times but this reminded me that there were some good times in our relationship. Even though I would not get back into a relationship with him now, dealing with the past and present guys just made me realize what I really want. I was thinking at one point these present guys were what I needed but now I came to the realization that they are not.

oh baby.

Tiana Chanell — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 04:10:32 +0000

Today, my baby sister brought another life in the world today. She welcomed her second child, a healthy 6lb 12 oz baby boy, Jerry IV. I’m so proud of my little sister on how much she accomplished in her 23 years of life. I was at the hospital the whole time and I couldn’t help but have tears of joy there but at one point of my day, I was reminded of a past I didn’t want to think about.

I don’t know why this popped in my head but I was standing outside the room with my mom while the nurse was doing a routine check on my sister when the thought of my ex, who recently became a father, popped in my head with the thought of him being at this same hospital when his significant other was giving birth and the joy he felt because he always talked about wanting to be a father. I kept thinking about how I could have been the one instead of the other girl but I’m glad it didn’t.

Soon that thought came out of my head once the baby was born. I was letting all of my friends know when I decided to let someone know who I have been trying to keep my distance from. The subject of some of my earlier posts. I had actually removed his number from my phone last week so I can try to continue with my life and not be subject to text him but he had sent me a text this morning and I knew it was him so I told him the news about my nephew. I quickly erased the text that was sent to him so I wouldn’t be tempted to save the number in my phone again and deleted and didn’t reply to his msg that he sent back. So I figured that would be the end of that when a few hours later, I received a text saying “So when are you going to have one?”. So we ended up talking about that but it brought up deeper issues regarding a baby that I have been trying to suppressed.

There’s been issues in the past that I have dealt with regarding a baby and my ex and it is so deep that no one really know about it. When I get reminded and/or think about it, it really puts me in a sad mood. If you ask me when I’m going to have a baby – I will tell you that I don’t want one especially at this time of my life. However, I think a part of me deep down want to experience motherhood. But with the past and the present now – with all the issues I have dealt with, I don’t know if I want that in my future.

But anyways, if it never makes it to my future, I have a wonderful niece and nephew to fill that void.

hip hop has saved my life.

Tiana Chanell — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 03:59:01 +0000

Yesterday, I was feeling depressed about certain aspects of my life. I didn’t want anything to do with anybody. I had turned my phone off and I was just sulking all day. Then later on in the day, I turned on the new song by Lupe Fiasco – I’m Beaming. I kept it on repeat because the song was gradually making me feel better about myself.

“They said my future was dark…You see me now? Just look around…I’m beaming. They used to talk when I wasn’t around…You see me now? I’m beaming. “

Once I started feeling a little better after doing some crying and sleeping, I checked my phone and saw that I had a message from a friend who wanted me to go out to this restaurant with her. I figured why not…and I’m glad I did. It really helped me take my mind off things.

However, I was back to the point where I was feeling down again this morning. I tried to keep myself busy with work and doing other things but of course my mind kept going back to the thoughts that were making me feel sad. Then later on in the afternoon, someone sent me a message on facebook. Knowing that I’m a big fan of Lupe Fiasco, he told me that there was a new mixtape with 50 plus songs and gave me the website to download it from. Once I downloaded the album and put it on my iPod, I got on my treadmill for an hour long workout listening to Lupe. I have noticed from past experiences and really realized today that listening to him makes me feel better. I continued listening to him while I was doing some more work on my computer. Lupe Fiasco is a talented rapper who does not get the credit he deserves. What I love about him is that he doesn’t rap about the typical stuff you hear on the radio. He raps about life, he tells a story with his music, and he speaks the truth. As one of the title of his songs says, hip hop has saved my life – his music made me feel better about myself and not worry about the things I was worried about.

giving up.

Tiana Chanell — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 02:53:01 +0000

one of the hardest parts of life is deciding when to give up and when to try harder…

i have given up…for good.

if your girl only knew.

Tiana Chanell — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 02:00:22 +0000

I was downloading some music when I decided to download some Aaliyah. One of the songs I downloaded “If Your Girl Only Knew” made me think about how I truly didn’t understand it when I was in middle school…I just thought it had a kick ass beat. Well I really listened to the words of the song and it made me think about the past few weeks (sorry I have been MIA…I’ll explain that later). It is amazing when you think some things are over between you and a guy…nothing will ever come about you two…he all of a sudden resurfaces. Maybe because he is in a different location or something in his life is different. Not only that, he acts like nothing happened…tries to pick up where things left off. But the only thing is, there is a girl that is in his life. He thinks you don’t know but you do. He thinks since he “woo” you before, you would come right back to him. And the reason why he is back in your life is because he is not around her like he was when you two weren’t talking. It is amazing how life is. This happened to me with different guys so many times. They think they can play this game with me because of the type of person that I am…but really I’m on to their shit…and two can play this game. Let me quote a lyric from Aaliyah’s song…

“And if your girl could only see How you be calling me, getting fresh with me
She would probably leave you alone
She would probably curse you out and unplug her phone”
……
“She’s crazy to put up with you
Oh boy I won’t be no fool
Let you like what you see
It ain’t easy to get with me”

But enough of that…I have been so busy with my job and school. I started my online graduate classes on January 11th and they have been definitely keeping me busy. I’m enjoying it to a certain extent. I’m just ready for it to be over with though (1 more year). I’m also taking on a part time job at the school I teach at – doing after school tutoring which pays $25 an hour. I figured I better get into it to make up for the furlough days they are giving us. I have to take 4 more days of unpaid leave since the state is requiring a cut in the education funding – stupid! Also, I would like to thank Miracle for the links to help me redo my website. It is still not where I want to be but it will do for now….I’m satisfied with it. Thanks Miracle!

That’s about it for now…I’m sure I’ll have some more bullshit to blog about later lol.

wordpress theme.

Tiana Chanell — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 02:07:04 +0000

So if you come to my site and it is looking a mess, it is probably because I’m trying to change up this site. It is not what I want to be at the time being but I will get it there. I had never used strictly wordpress before so coding and designing a wordpress theme is new to me. I figured out how to tweak the default theme but I want to have my own with my own style. So I will be looking for inspiration and tutorials on how to do that. If you know of any helpful tutorials, please feel free to share. Until then, I’m going to use this free one I found.

another vector.

Tiana Chanell — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 03:41:01 +0000

took me a very long time to do this. first time also doing an entire picture. i like

there is no sex in the champagne room.

Tiana Chanell — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 00:40:49 +0000

I told myself that I wasn’t going to make any New Years Resolution this year because I can never keep them. Well one year, I actually kept it [2007 - try something new every month] and I definitely did not follow last year’s resolutions. But I started thinking about my life now and how I do not want to make the same mistakes from 2009, 2008, 2007…you get my drift.

Two weeks ago, I was hanging out with two of my friends (and this was the first time they both met each other) and they both said I was too nice. Then last Tuesday, I was talking to a totally different person who lives on the other side of the United States and he said the same thing. I sometimes think that me being entirely too nice is my downfall in life. I put off what I want to do to do something else because someone doesn’t want to do what I want to do. I’m always going beyond what I should be doing to help someone out and I hardly say no. So one part of my resolution for this year is to be more bitchy. Make sure I take care of my own needs and do what I want to do. Speak how I really feel and not hold it in. Not be as nice as people think I am. I feel like niceness doesn’t get you anywhere. People take advantage of it and run.

Also, another resolution I’m thinking about doing is remain celibate. It may be too much information but I haven’t had any for almost two years. It is not that I couldn’t get it, I just chose not to with that person. Sometimes, I talk about just doing it just to be doing it but I know my worth. I want to make sure I wait until I am in a meaningful relationship with someone before doing the deed. So until that man comes along, there is no sex in the champagne room….but keep the glasses of champagne coming lol.

As for any others…you know the typical shit that people make as their new years resolution. Slim in the waist, fat in the butt lol.

another illustration.

Tiana Chanell — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 17:36:16 +0000

I am loving this new style of vectoring that I’m doing. This is my favorite so far. Took about 5 hours of work. I’m ready to create another one.